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NFL Week 4: The Chicks Break it Down

Observations from around the league:

Oh great, so now even the Falcons have won a game.

With or without Rex, Da Bears freakin’ suck.

Sorry Pam Oliver, but your bad weave should’ve drawn a flag during the FOX NFL Countdown show.

Are the Rams really that bad or are the Cowboys just that good?

We hate to admit it, but Ed Hochuli’s buffness is starting to become a distraction.

Packers V Vikings: Only the first and fourth quarters mattered.

Chargers fans, we feel your pain

Coaches challenge on the Pam Oliver call. Andrea Kremer’s hair is a hot mess too!

Go Matt Leinart! … I mean Kurt Warner! Wait, Leinart’s in again. Nope, that’s Warner! (And you said there was a quarterback controversy in Arizona. Bite your tongue!)

Well Eagles fans, at least you have the Phillies.


U Da Man!

It took less than one quarter against the Minnesota Vikings for Brett Favre to break Dan Marino’s record for career touchdown passes. TD #421 went to wide receiver Greg Jennings on a 16 yard play. What was even better than the play was the celebration dance that followed. Brett hoisted Jennings over his shoulder in a move reminiscent of Patrick Swayze at the end of Dirty Dancing. (Nobody puts Brett in a corner!)

Dan Marino, the picture of class, reacted to the record breaking play by saying

“I loved holding the touchdown record for the past 13 years. But if someone was going to break it, I’m glad it was someone like you.”

(We’re told he then thought to himself, “Now I got no ring and no record. WHAT THE F?!!!!!” and headed straight to the nearest nudey bar.)

Favre also holds the records for career completions and consecutive starts by a quarterback, along with most random appearance in a comedy for his cameo in “There’s Something About Mary.”

Pat Healy: “What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?”
Brett Favre: “I’m in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb ass.”

All Together Now: "LSU! LSU! LSU!"

For the first time since 1959, the LSU Tigers are #1 in the AP Poll. Wow! This is so unexpected. There’s just so many people to thank.
Um, we’d like to thank USC, for narrowly beating unranked Washington in a day of college football upsets. We’d like to thank the Tigers’ offense, for abandoning its Little League Football offensive scheme in the second half of the Tulane Game. Of course, gotta thank the man upstairs, who’s a huge Tigers fan but apparently isn’t that into the Saints this year.

With the Saints Away, the Chicks Will Play

The bad news about this week in the NFL: the Saints are on a bye. The good news about this week in the NFL: the Saints are on a bye. So with no black and gold team to stress over, the Chicks have decided to get all up in the Kool-Aid (and yes, we do know the flavor) of some other NFL teams and must see matchups.

How cool is it to get to say you’re both captain of your football team and head cheerleader? Several high profile quarterbacks will spend four quarters watching their games from the sidelines this Sunday and for various reasons. Some because they suck, some because they’re hurt, and still others, well, all of the above.

Matt Leinart, QB Arizona Cardinal
But Why?: Suckyness/Rookie Mistakes
Replacement: Kurt Warner

Jake Delhomme, QB Carolina Panthers
But Why?: Elbow Issues
Replacement: David Carr

Rex Grossman, QB Chicago Bears
But Why?: Did you really have to ask? Dude sucks like Lewinsky in her favorite little black dress
Replacement: Brian Griese

Josh McCown, QB Oakland Raiders
But Why?: Broken Toe
Replacement: Daunte Culpepper
Interesting to Note: Daunte will be taking on his former team, the Miami Dolphins. Which leads us to our next topic….

I promise this isn’t a line. But um, don’t I know you from somewhere?
Finally, Falcons fans will get to boo someone other than their own team. Ex-Falcon QB Matt Schaub returns to the Georgia Dome this Sunday for the first time since getting cut. The Texans (2-1) take on the Falcons (0-3) in a game that’s got “Damn it, we’re going to hear a lot of commentating on dog fighting” written all over it.

Ravens friend turned foe Jamal Lewis will also be taking on his old team when Baltimore and the Browns meet up in Cleveland. Let’s see how much he likes being on the receiving end of that obnoxious Ray Lewis sack dance. (Wasn’t T.O.’s version so much cooler?)

There’s Something About Brett
The Vikings will likely have the honor of starring in Brett Favre’s highlight reel after he breaks Dan Marino’s career TD passing record tomorrow. How can we be so sure tomorrow’s game goes in the history books? Um, have you been watching the Vikings play. Not to mention, the Packers have won three of their last four games played in Minnesota and the Vikings have the 20th ranked pass defense in the league.

So kick up your feet, pop open a cold one, and relax my little Who Dats. There’s plenty-o pigskin to be had this Sunday. And at least this time around, you can watch without the threat of throwing something at your plasma in a fit of rage.

Deuce Watch

Deuce McAllister is getting in a little R & R after undergoing a successful surgery in Birmingham, AL. The surgery is the first step in repairing a torn ACL on the Saints RB’s left knee. Saints GM Mickey Loomis told the media today:

“We are very pleased to hear that Deuce’s surgery went well,” Loomis said. “We’re confident that his rehabilitation will go well and everyone in the Saints organization is looking forward to having Deuce back on the field in a Saints uniform in 2008.”

During the surgery, doctors also patched up some issues on Deuce’s right knee, which was originally injured back in 2005. The procedure should help eliminate any soreness stemming from the old injury.

Keep sending the good vibes ladies and gents. We just might get a Saintly miracle after all!

National Foot-Bawl League

Jimmy: “Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry?”
Evelyn: “No, no, no.”
Jimmy: “NO. NO. And do you know why?”
Evelyn: “No…”
Jimmy: “Because there’s no crying in baseball. THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! No crying!

And that’s exactly why we’re not into the MLB. You see in football, watching a player catch a case of the waterworks is about as common as hearing the prez mispronounce a word. After all, who better than a Chick to relate to raw, uncut emotion.

Take for instance this week’s announcement that Deuce McAllister would be out for the rest of the season with a torn ACL. During a news conference, Fullback Mike Karney got choked up while talking about the setback and its impact on his teammate and friend. He even admitted to hugging Deuce and crying after hearing the news. But because we understand the sport and the bond built between these players, we weren’t once tempted to question Karney’s manhood or brand him a wussy. Who wouldn’t weep for Deuce for crying out loud!

In fact, Karney’s not the only NFL player known for ballin’ and bawlin’. Back in August, former Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin went from being coked up to choked up while making his Hall of Fame induction speech. And we’re not talking a few sniffles and watery eyes. We’re talking a full on Tammy Faye (Bakker) Messner, mascara running, let it out dude, kind of cry.

Then there’s Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre who proved his arm and his tear ducts were still intact after last season’s win over the Chicago Bears. Favre got emotional during an interview after the game, leading some to believe he was ready to hang up his jersey for good. Turns out that despite his tears, he was a far cry from leaving the league. And it looks like his team is all the better for it.

Sometimes in the NFL, we witness a little tears for fears. Take for instance when the Bills watched their teammate, tight end Kevin Everett lay limp on the field after taking a nasty hit during the team’s season opener. Several players, including punter Brian Moorman, admitted to fighting back tears as they waited for word on whether Everett would be okay. Some of them broke down in the locker room the day after the incident. Within days, their tears of grief turned into tears of joy after hearing news that Everett would likely be able to walk again.

Of course, it doesn’t always take tragedy or triumph to get the snot flowing for America’s tough guys. Back in 2005, 6-foot-6, 290-pound Miami Dolphins Rookie Manuel Wright showed the toughness of a preteen girl in pigtails when he broke down on the field during practice. What got him so worked up during the workout? Apparently, he couldn’t take being yelled at by then Dolphins Coach Nick Saban. Wright had to be escorted off the field by a member of the team’s staff as he wiped away tears. (Damn dude, you let ‘Little Nicky’ break you down? Now that’s a crying shame!) So while it’s true two wrongs don’t make a right, one Wright can most certainly make a very big wrong!

So to sum it all up; Yes, there IS crying in football, and thank heavens for it! These players are real, their problems are real, and their emotions are real. Not all of them see this sport as just a job. Football is their life. And to those out their who’d rather classify them as punks for daring to show emotion in public, do what you must. Just keep in mind that while you’re getting your laugh on, these so called sissies are crying all the way to the bank.

Meanwhile… Vick’s Still Smokin’, Rex Still Sucks, and Roy Williams is a Cheap S.O.B.

Mexico Pulls a Cheech and Chong
When life handed Michael Vick a major career hit, it seems he decided to take a major bong hit. The suspended Falcons QB has been placed on tighter restrictions by a federal judge after testing positive for marijuana. The tighter restrictions will force Vick to remain in his home between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. and submit to random drug testing.
Vick submitted his pee-pee to the courts on September 13th, just weeks after pleading guilty to federal dogfighting charges. Legal analysts say the latest developments could impact Vick’s December 10 sentencing.

Murdering puppies is one thing, Mike. But getting high, I mean that’s where we draw the line.

Sit Rex. Stay. Good Boy!
The Bears finally got the memo that landed on all of our desks around this time last year: Rex Grossman is about as accurate as a drunk Stevie Wonder in a dart throwing contest. The beleaguered QB will be benched for this week’s game against the Detroit Lions. The decision comes after Grossman threw three interceptions Sunday night in a 34-10 loss to Dallas. (Oh Lovey, if that’s all you were waiting for to bench this kid, why didn’t you just say so?!)

The benching means Brian Griese will start this Sunday. And in case you forgot, Griese’s the guy who had trouble bringing a title to Denver and Miami…oh, and Tampa Bay too.

What Sound Does a Lion Make? “Cheap, cheap!”
Roy Williams may know how to make a catch, but that doesn’t mean he is a catch. The Lions wide receiver not only admits he’s a cheap date, but he also tells radio station WDFN-AM that he doesn’t tip either:

“There’s no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say ‘Thank you sir.’ … The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he’s coming for free.
If you’re on a date and she wants to go to a nice place, what do you do? I might just take her to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I’d take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn’t be Morton’s or nothing like that.”

Moral of the story, if your date with Roy Williams involves pizza at his house. We advise you not to eat one slice as there’s a good chance the delivery man sprinkled a little surprise in the sauce.